The 13 lessons job loss has taught me

The main one is: take it a step at a time

On the Saturday just before my job was made redundant, I told a close friend I had an overwhelming feeling that something bad was about to happen. I’d go to bed feeling consumed by the type of anxiety you get just before you’re about to receive news that you know isn’t going to be good. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was trying to tell me because on paper, everything was okay.

Turns out, though, my intuition was on point — something life-changing did happen that Monday. I received a call from HR telling me I was no longer needed at the company due to ‘department restructuring.’

I’d be lying if I told you that it didn’t feel horrendous when it happened. It was awful. But the underlying truth is that I wasn’t happy at that company. So, almost three months on, I realise that despite the initial shock, redundancy was one of the best things that has ever happened to me — it forced me to do something that I was too scared to do myself. It’s like life realised I’d veered completely off track from what I’m meant to be doing and yanked me back on the path I’m supposed to be on. And while this is incredibly uncomfortable (our brains do NOT like change), I know it is leading somewhere better.

Why I’ve written this post

While I know my situation won’t apply to everyone, I’ve written this a) as a way of processing the last two and a half months, and b) in the hope that someone who needs to read this post will come across it and take some comfort from my experience. Take what resonates and know that if you’ve just received the news and you’re feeling a bit lost, I see you and I feel you. I’m here to tell you that it can and will get better.

Above all the lessons learnt below, I’d say the most important is to take things one small step at a time. It can be very tempting to fast-forward three months and imagine yourself living on the streets with no money to your name, but this does nothing but create panic and stop you from focusing on what you do have control of, which is the present moment and what you do now.

I will add a caveat here: I say all of this as a single woman in her 40s who has almost 20 years of experience in my field. I’m privileged in many ways; I don’t have dependents for one, which means I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself. My passport affords me the luxury of going where I want to go without many restrictions. I know all of this enables me to say a lot of the following.

Without further ado, here are some of the lessons I’ve learnt through this rollercoaster of an experience:

1. It’s the job that was made redundant…not you

Even if the redundancy was due to restructuring or the need to cut overheads, your confidence is bound to take a knock. You start questioning yourself and whether you were superfluous to the company’s needs because perhaps you weren’t good enough.

First of all, that’s most likely bullshit. This is business. They had to cut costs, so they cut your job, not you. It’s very important to get this straight in your mind from the start, because your worth isn’t attached to this job, so don’t tie it to it.

Language matters. Tell people your job was made redundant, not you as a person. Trust me when I say that it’s important to get this straight in your head from the beginning.

2. Your main priority is self-care

Which brings me to my next point. When this first happened, I knew that the first thing I needed to do once the shock had died down was get my mind right. I realised that if I didn’t do this from the beginning, I’d be setting myself up for misery.

When your whole world has been rocked and a lot hangs in the balance, you can’t take steps forward until you have a base level of clarity and calmness. So, I allowed myself to have a few days to regain my composure, and then I decided to focus on doing things that would set me up positively for what lay ahead.

This looked like sitting with my journal in the morning and letting myself write out all the fears I had related to what had happened. I let all the worst-case scenarios play out on paper. Once I did this, I wrote out more realistic outcomes in response to each of these fears. I even went a step further and listed out all of the best-case scenarios, because sometimes you need to let yourself dream big. Try to let hope be louder than fear.

These exercises were what self-care looked like at the beginning, but as the days drew on, it started to also look like sleep, rest, and giving myself the permission to breathe and reconnect with parts of myself that I’d lost over the last two years. More on that in a bit.

3. One of the best things you can do is make a list of what you’re proud of - and how you’ve dealt with adversity before

We often forget just how much we’ve been through to get to this point in our lives. I know I do. That’s why in these situations I think it’s so important to take some time to sit and reflect on everything we’ve achieved, things that give us a great sense of pride. Soon after the redundancy, I sat and did this very exercise and found myself also remembering things I’d forgotten. Reading everything out loud to myself was a nice boost for my self-confidence, and it helped me realise I’d be okay.

Also remind yourself you’ve been through hardships before and you’ve made it through them. Even if it wasn’t a redundancy, I’m sure we all have a tale to tell from a time when we hit rock bottom and weren’t sure how we’d recover. List these out too. Remember your inner strength. Hug yourself. Be gentle. You’ve got this.

4. You will go through a grieving process regardless of whether you liked your job/organisation or not

A friend of mine was surprised that initially I was upset by the job loss. “But you were unhappy there,” she said to me.

The truth is, even if you dislike where you work, you’ll still go through a grieving process. The choice to leave was taken out of your hands, which can be quite a blow to the ego, and it’s likely you have some attachments to the place, whether it’s colleagues you love, the plant on your desk, or your morning routine of grabbing a coffee and heading to the office. This was your life in motion for some time, and when that is lost, you have to grieve it.

You will grieve everything the job represented to you: a sense of identity, structure, certainty and control, financial security, social ties, the hope you had when you first joined, and any pent-up anger you have from how they did you wrong.

So I reiterate: be gentle with yourself. It’s a lot.

5. How you feel about it will change once the raw emotion dies down

Almost three months on, I can tell you the initial anger has dissipated and has been replaced with peacefulness and relief. And perhaps the same will happen to you. I think the way you frame the job loss will play a big part — I have taken the stance of “this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me,” and I think it’s helped me to move through the emotions.

Try to remember this very important truth: your self-worth isn’t defined by your job. And hopefully, in a few months, you’ll also see that this was a blessing disguised as something uncomfortable, painful and difficult.

6. Space is essential, as is reflection on what you don’t want moving forward

A job loss offers you the rare opportunity to take a step back and reassess what is important to you. I remember during the 2020 pandemic lockdowns how many people had epiphanies regarding their lives, particularly when it came to work. We finally had the time and space to reflect on what gives our lives meaning.

This redundancy can be that space again if you stop fear from taking over the driving seat. Figure out your values first (read this article for why it’s important to lead a values-based life), as it will help you to outline your priorities. Then list out all the things that are important to you at work, along with any non-negotiables. Whenever a job comes up that interests you, ask yourself if it is in alignment with your values, priorities, and what you’re looking for. Get this clarity before you start looking again, as it’ll help you to identify jobs that will be a good fit for you.

7. Taking a sabbatical/break/trip to Italy to do little else other than devour pasta could hold some answers

I realise this isn’t possible for everyone, but if you’re in the position to take a break, consider it. Even if you only take a long weekend off to get to the coast, try and find a way to be out in nature (if you’re not already). Get a change of scenery and allow yourself to breathe.

I truly believe in the power of travel to give us clarity. I seem to make my best decisions and have my most eureka moments when I’m abroad, and I think it has something to do with the break in routine. When I’m in a different country, I’m freed from the shackles of the daily grind and reminded that the world is a big place and that perhaps, just perhaps, there are new ways of doing things. And this is exactly the type of perspective you need when you’re going through a major life transition like job loss.

This is why in a few weeks I’m going to Kathmandu to have a break and get clearer on what I want before I make any big decisions.

8. There is way more to life - and you as a person - than work

Work has been given so much importance in today’s society that we end up wrapping all of our self-worth in it. If I asked you, “Who are you?” (not “What do you do” — important distinction), how would you answer? Once you strip away your profession, it can be difficult to answer, especially if you’ve never done it before.

I’ve realised that it’s particularly hard for someone like me. When you turn one of your passions into the way you also make money, it’s incredibly easy to lose yourself in the label. I’ve identified as a writer for most of my life, but who am I away from writing?

I’m a granddaughter, daughter, sister, auntie, Godmother, niece, cousin and friend. I’m someone who takes great joy in the simple things in life — watching a sunrise, appreciating a beautiful textile, and feeling the cool breeze on my skin on a summer’s night. I’m deeply curious, which has led me to travel and learn about other cultures because I’m fascinated by all the things we do differently — and the many ways we’re all alike.

When you take a moment to truly answer this question for yourself, you might also realise you’ve neglected important parts of yourself in the pursuit of titles and money. What can you do to fill those cups again?

It can be so easy to forget, but there is way more to life than work — and it breaks my heart that most of the time we don’t even acknowledge it, let alone do anything about it.

9. Capitalism will chew you up and spit you out in a heartbeat — it’s important to build boundaries before reentering the workforce

Unfortunately, we need money to survive, so eventually all of us will reenter the workforce. However, I think this is a good point at which to examine how we failed to build boundaries in our previous workplace, so that we can avoid it from happening again. Maybe you regularly worked late or over the weekend. Maybe you were promised something like a promotion, but it never materialised. Maybe your boss was toxic and constantly put you down.

It will be different for everyone, so it’s worth taking stock of what was toxic to you and making a list of the things you won’t compromise on again. This will help you to find a job that aligns with your values and enforce boundaries from the beginning.

No one likes doing it. I know I don’t even though I always try to. You teach people how they can treat you, though, so it’s much easier to be clear from the beginning that you won’t be working late (for example) than it is once you’ve spent months working until 8 pm.

10. Who you are and what you want from life can evolve over the years, so it’s okay to permit yourself to let go of things that no longer serve you

One thing I’ve been wrestling with since this happened is that I feel what I want out of life and a job has vastly changed in the space of two and a half years. And in all honesty, I’m struggling with this.

I know that our needs can and do change all the time, but that doesn’t mean I find it easy. It often can result in having to mourn a past version of ourselves or a life that we have lived and need to let go of — or one we once wanted but now realise we no longer do.

Maybe, upon reflection, you’ll realise you have been climbing a ladder you no longer want to climb. And it’s okay to change your mind. This is the perfect time to reflect so that you can start living in alignment with today’s needs, not those you had back when you first graduated.

11. Your support network is everything, and you’re not alone

The loss of routine and colleagues can easily lead to isolation. It can seem that life is going on without you, so it’s really important to lean into the support that is available to you.

My friends and family have been incredible over the last few months. I may feel strong and self-assured now, but I most certainly didn’t feel like that at the beginning. I cried, I complained, I doubted myself. And there was someone there, every time, to help me see my strengths and remind me that I’ve been through worse and I’ll get through this too.

If you’re hyper-independent like I am, it can be tempting to try and deal with this on your own. But that’s the worst thing you can do (take it from me, I’ve tried). So, seek out support and remember to see and call people as often as you can.

12. Your worst-case scenario might be many people’s best case, so try to focus on the things you already have

Job loss is rough, even as a single woman without dependents. But for me, it helped to try and focus on what I do have rather than what I’ve lost. I have a roof over my head, people who love me, I have some savings to keep me going, and I have, most importantly, my health. While job loss may be a worst-case scenario to me, the situation I find myself in, despite the redundancy, could be someone else’s best case. This little reframe has helped me not to veer into self-pity or despair.

13. Reconnecting with the things that bring you joy might hold some answers

One of the reasons I’ve been so active on Substack is that I realised over the last two years, I stopped doing all the things I enjoyed. I was essentially a robot, moving between the gym, the office, and my apartment.

It hurt when I realised this, but with knowledge comes power. I decided that instead of rushing to find a new job, I wanted to first reconnect with the things that bring me joy. And honestly, this has been a slow process of continuously trying to reassure the side of me that’s saying this is a waste of time and I should be applying for jobs (fear talking, loud and clear), and instead leaning into rest, creativity, and slow living.

As a result, I’ve been writing more. I work out every day, even if it’s only for 30 minutes. I’ve been working through The Artist’s Journey, which is helping me reconnect with my creativity. I’ve been paying more attention to my plants, repotting those that are looking tired and appreciating any new shoots that are appearing. I’ve been using random spices and condiments that have been sitting in my pantry unused because I was too busy in the past to remember they were even there.

One thing life has taught me is that we don’t often get the chance to have extended pauses: before you know it, you will be back at work and wishing you’d enjoyed the downtime. Trust me, I’ve been there before, which is why right now I’m living a blissfully delulu existence where work doesn’t exist, but instead I’m free to wake up when I want, follow threads of curiosity to see where they lead me, and listen to what my body and soul need. And this feeling, my friends, is priceless.

I implore you to enjoy it too.

If you’ve been through job loss before, did any of this resonate? Do you have anything else to add?