Things single women in their 40s don't want to hear

We're over it, for real

As a woman in her 40s, I think I speak for many of us when I say I’m tired of a variety of mindless comments I seem to come across on repeat. Without further ado, here are some of the worst. And if you use any variations of these, well, stop it.

Are you sure you don’t want kids?

I don’t know why people think it’s acceptable to ask women this question whether single, married or otherwise. It’s intrusive and quite frankly none of your business.

Women don’t have children for a variety of reasons: sometimes they’ve tried but they can’t, sometimes they’ve wanted to meet the right guy but they haven’t, sometimes they’ve miscarried multiple times and can’t go through the heartache again, sometimes they’re still waiting for the right moment, and sometimes, shock, horror, they just don’t want them.

So let’s imagine you ask this question to a woman who is married and has been trying for years. How would that make her feel? Hence why it’s no one’s business but her own. I for one belong to the ‘I just don’t want them’ category and I’m so tired of people asking me “But are you sure?” Even if I weren’t sure, I’m now 40 — given the complete lack of eligible men at my age, what am I supposed to do, whip up an embryo in the kitchen?

For the love of God, stop asking this, please.

Maybe you should freeze your eggs!

Ah, this old chestnut. The old let's put your eggs on ice, again: “Just in case you change your mind!” It’s thrown around so casually that anyone would think it is as simple as dropping your eggs into an ice cube tray one Sunday afternoon and stuffing them into the back of your freezer.

First of all, for those who aren’t aware, freezing your eggs is a lengthy, invasive, expensive, and difficult process. I know someone who tried and it took everything out of her both mentally and physically. In the end, it wasn’t successful.

Trust me, if a woman is in her 30s/40s and wants kids, she’s already considered doing this. She doesn’t need you to suggest it for her unless she’s been in a coma for the last 10 years and is therefore unaware of recent advancements in fertility treatment. And even then, don’t say a word unless it’s your partner or, at a push, your best friend.

You’ll meet someone when you least expect it

Excuse me for a second while I roll my eyes back to the front of my head. I’m not sure why this one is thrown around so much it’s become a cliche. Sure, sometimes a relationship can happen when you don’t see it coming, but that’s life, a lot of things can happen when you least expect them. I for one didn’t expect to see my neighbour in his tiny underwear at 9 am the other morning, but there you go, random shit happens sometimes.

I always feel like people say this to women because they have nothing else to. The chance of meeting your partner depends on so many different factors that it’s one of the more difficult things to pin down. For example, if I want a job, I know I’m likely going to be able to make it happen for myself. I’ll work on my CV, update my LinkedIn, reach out to my network, and within a few months I’m 90 percent sure I’ll find something. But with finding a partner, you can do all the right things, repeatedly, for months and even years on end, and it still may never happen.

On a more pragmatic level, it doesn’t help that everyone is on their phones all day now and people barely speak to each other spontaneously. So, unless you’re actively looking for a partner I honestly think you have more chance of seeing snow in Dubai in August.

And as a woman who has spent most of her life single, I can also tell you it’s horseshit from experience. I’m never expecting to meet someone, and it doesn’t happen. So can we just let that one die now, please?

Are you on the dating apps?

This is up there with “Maybe you should freeze your eggs” when it comes to stating the obvious. We know that dating apps exist. We’ve tried them and have had to endure profiles of men who a) are too lazy to add a bio of any kind, b) think that their height is the only information they have to give and c) believe posing with a dead fish the size of a small dog is appealing.

If you do happen to match with someone, you get to experience the joy of dull conversation, dick pics, and being ghosted/unmatched. The cycle of match, boring chat, stale mate, unmatch (lather, rinse, repeat) is inane and boring, and I’d rather boil my eyeballs in acid than try the apps again.

We know the apps exist. We’ve tried and we’ve given up, so don’t even bother bringing this up unless you have found the one that actually works.

There are loads of great guys out there…

If only I had a net to scoop them all up in! I’ll make sure I take one out with me today.

Aren’t you lonely?

I’m 40 and I have lived most of my life alone. Sure, I’ve had moments of loneliness before, but then anyone can. You can be surrounded by your family and feel lonely. You can be in the middle of Times Square/Piccadilly Circus/Shibuya Crossing and feel lonely. You can be in a relationship and feel lonely. You can be a man in your 40s and feel lonely (and yet I don’t think he’ll get asked this question).

Stop assuming that a woman living on her own is something to pity. In all honesty, when I was in my 20s, I also thought that being on your own beyond your 30s must be lonely and sad. And that’s nothing but social conditioning, my friends. Because I assure you this: I’m not lonely. I have moments of loneliness like anyone can, but overall I love living alone. I love my apartment and the sense of peace it gives me. And, most importantly, I love that I don’t have to answer to a subpar partner who I attached myself to because I was afraid of being lonely.

Now that’s the real tragedy.

Choosing to be single unless you meet someone worth your while isn’t.

You don’t look 40!

When I was in my 30s, people regularly told me I looked like I was in my 20s, and it felt nice, because as women we’re told that the younger we look the better. We’re not allowed to age in peace and that’s evident in the amount of Botox and fillers and face rejuvenation therapies that are shoved down our throats.

So with all of that in mind, who wouldn’t want to be told they look younger than they are?

But when I started to think about it a little deeper, I realised this “oh, you don’t look your age” tripe is another example of internalised ageism. It puts a premium on youth and gives another underhanded insult to growing older. Looking your age is a sin, so of course you look younger than that!

But guess what? I am 40. And the last time I checked there’s no one way to look when you’re 40. I don’t know if I look younger or older, because first of all, what are we comparing it to? And second of all, who the fuck cares? Whether I look it or not, I am 40, that’s a fact. And I most certainly don’t look how I did in my 20s or 30s.

And fuck anyone who thinks I or any other woman deserves to feel less than for being their age. I refuse to shy away, deny my age, or pretend to be younger than I am. I also refuse to become invisible, because women in their 40s deserve to take up space. We’re beautiful, wise, resourceful, empathetic, strong, and powerful.

They know it, and that’s why they try to keep us down.

Let me know if you have any others to share - I’m sure there are many!